I have never been able to relax into the relationship. I still remember my first experience in getting together with someone. I was nervous and anxious beyond reason- I even ended up drinking in the middle of the day. I never understood why something that I wanted could make me so nervous at the same time. I just assumed that it was because it was the wrong guy.
More than ten years later I still feel anxious. My relationships still feel ambivalent and I am yet to fully trust anybody. Four years out of these have been spent in therapy and I have gotten to the point where I am wondering whether I am not deliberately creating the conditions where I have no security.
I hate making decisions. It is always very stressful and if it were for me, I would just sustain status quo. I hate changes. Changes make me anxious. I also hate having to rely on someone- because what if this person is not there when I wake up. So I postpone making any decisions about my relationship, because well I do not know if I should trust my partner or not.
He has given me plenty of reasons not to trust. In fact, any sane person would have broken up with him already. I however, might have just stayed exactly because of this ambivalence. Because he did not force me to make any decisions. Because the relationship was always open ended. SO I did not have to face my own insecurities in relation to decision making and commitment and could blame him.
The open endendess, whereas making me anxious, still to a degree fits me. I am convincing myself that at this mystical point in my therapy I am able to make decisions. Perhaps I am able to decide whether I should commit or not. The meanwhile I just procrastinate. I procrastinate my life. Because I am scared. Because I still cannot trust myself in my own hands. I feel as if I need someone else to tell me what to do and who to be.