Recently I have allowed myself something that I have been repressing my whole life- to be angry. See the problem was that, I was made responsible for every fight in the house already in my early years. Whenever mommy was angry, it was my fault. My mother used me very successfully as a scapegoat and the meanwhile avoided taking any responsibility for the problems in her life. That was my first experience with an externalizer.
See, people who externalize blame are making others responsible for their reactions and emotions. Their go-to response is anger. I am sure everybody knows at least one person who does this. Contrary, those that internalize blame are usually sad and victimized (depression is their go to illness). Their usual emotion is shame and self-loathing. After all, if you take responsibility for every bodies negative reactions, you are prone to feel bad about yourself.
The fact, that I am finally feeling anger, is a good thing. I am realizing that by always assuming that I was responsible for the way other people behaved, I was actually contributing to my low self-esteem. After all, I was constantly doing something wrong! It was my fault that my boyfriends did not want to be with me, it was my fault that my friend was so critical of me etc etc…..
It is pretty amazing how the world can change its colors when you finally stop taking the blame for everything. I am noticing aspects about other people that I never did before. I am much more likely to confront people on their bad behavior. Obviously that has led to number of conflicts in my life as I have surrounded myself over the years with many people that have the habit of externalizing the blame. After all, we once were a perfect match! But, I also know that this is a vital step in me finally starting to feel good about myself and saying goodbye to depression!