I have been recently working in my therapy on my anger. I am angry at my childhood friend because every birthday of hers became a bullying session against me. I am angry at my mother because of her disrespectful, humiliating and critical attitude towards me. I am angry at my boyfriend for not committing. I am angry at my boss for expecting me to do overwork. In general I am angry because I feel that people do not value nor respect me.
Things are changing. People value and respect me much more nowadays than few years ago. But still…..I feel that sometimes I fall to my old habits of trying to convince someone to like me. Trying to get the unavailable guys to commit to me is an excellent example. You try and convince as if these unavailable guys really did see your value, maybe you could also feel valuable. If everybody saw your value and acknowledged it, you would finally feel at peace with yourself.
It is difficult to let go of the expectation that other people should provide you with self-worth and feeling of importance. You are still on the hunt for recognition and as long as you do not let go, no award is possible.
I have yet to let go. Now I am hoping that once my behavior changes, people’s attitude towards me somehow mystically transforms. They finally give me the outside value that I so deeply desire. The necessary click has not yet happened, because inside I still feel well….that nobody wants me. Nobody wanted me in my childhood and nobody wants me today. As long as I carry this feeling with me and also try to prove to myself that this is wrong by seeking outside recognition, nothing will change and I am well aware of it.
One important thing that has changed though, is that I have gotten disappointed in several people along the way. Even though the finally click is yet to happen, my eyes have opened and things that I notice are not always making me happy.