I feel insecure in my relationship. There I said it. I do not want to say it. I look at other people (from safe distance) and imagine them having perfectly safe and sound relationships. Mine is not. Never has.
It is one of those fight and plight relationships, passion and anger. You know. Plenty of drama and heart break. Not so surprisingly, after my experience with my emotionally distant ex I went to the other extreme. To someone who can be extremely loving at one point and extremely annoyed and angry at another.
When I compare the two last relationships, then in both of them I felt insecure for the very different reasons. With my ex I felt insecure because I could never understand if he loved me or not. With my current boyfriend I feel insecure because I cannot trust him to be there for me, to stay.
I know he loves me. This has never been under the question. But his unreliability (not calling back, disappearing when in his work trips, making plans on his own, his mood swings) makes it very difficult for me to relax. It seems like I am constantly doubting if there is a future for us.
The funny thing is, both guys obviously reflect two of my main issues- my fear of abandonment and my feelings of worthlessness. Neither of them would have managed to trigger me so much if I did not have my issues. That being said, probably I started liking them exactly because they matched my issues.
The behavior of both guys resembles this of my mother. My mother was unreliable in both ways. On one hand she was emotionally distant, on the other hand, she was also unreliable. I am going to make another post however, to describe my mother’s unreliability.