I have always had a low self-esteem and felt unloved. So I did something that our culture and media encourages to do- sought redemption through various partnerships. I am in the verge of changing and understanding how my wish to earn/get my value through my partnerships has made it very difficult for me to find the right relationship. So this is a post for starting the thought process on how the fact that I had no belief in myself has changed my relationships.
I have had problems in various areas with my partners. One of the problems from my side has always been that they have seemingly not been committed to me. I am saying seemingly, because commitment is a two way process and probably my lack of self-esteem contributed to their lack of commitment. I have always hoped that somehow, if this one man commits to me, if he really wants to be with me, I am going to feel better about myself. The problem is that no commitment made so far has sufficed. The problem is also, that my partners can sense my desperation and are not keen on taking the responsibility for building up my self-esteem.
The other problem that I have had with my partners concerns them flirting with other women or not giving me enough attention (spending time with their friends etc.). Again, since I connected my value so strongly with these men, I read their flirts with other women as a sign that I am not valuable enough. Afterwards, the arguments I had with them in relation to this topic further pushed them away from me, because I was not drawing my borders, rather I desperately wanted to hear how important I was for them. Was I important? Naturally a man senses that desperation, which also motivates him to say that the problem is mine and not his (even if there really is a problem from his side).
Final problem that I want to talk about is me not believing that they want to be with me or that I am their first choice. This topic is somewhat related to the previous one. This problem came out especially strongly with my ex, who I was deeply in love with. I never thought that he would share my feelings at this level (I was probably right) and my mission was to somehow convince him that I indeed was of value. I neglected all the signs that I might have been important to him, because I simply could not believe his intentions. I only saw my truth, which was- “He does not love me”.
This does not mean that my boyfriends have not done anything wrong, it is rather to say that everything that they have done, I have taken as a reflection on my value. I have not thought that maybe some things are a mere question of setting boundaries, but rather been deeply hurt because in my mind their actions mean that they do not appreciate me.