It is night and I cannot sleep. Those sleepless nights always make me think of loneliness. I read somewhere that the extent to which you are able to enjoy being alone determines your attractiveness to others.
I have to say that there is something extremely liberating in the idea of being able to be alone. Being able to be single. Not worry about finding a partner. And with those words I have to say, I am pretty bad at practicing solitude. I am scared. The nights are dark and the big cities and foreign countries are lonely. Who will help me out if I am in need? Who will save me?
I can enjoy being alone if I know that there is a support network for me out there. In fact, at the point that I have boyfriend, I am not overly clingy and can spend a great deal of time apart. However, this terrifying idea of being single….
Obviously there is a trauma somewhere there. I do not know yet what it is- maybe it is about all these people that abandoned me. Maybe it is about my mother leaving me alone for hours when I was a baby. I have no idea. But I hate being controlled by this fear.
Fear of being single makes you weak. It takes away your control. You may institute your borders in the relationship, but you are going to back down quickly if it looks like the other side might leave. You are constantly checking on their intentions on the future. Are they going to leave at some point or not? Tomorrow again- is it still so that they intend to stay?
I think if there is one thing that makes a person more powerful, it is fearlessness of being alone. The ability to build up your own life and be able to enjoy it also without a significant other. Naturally it also makes one pretty attractive.
However, I am not there. Not yet…