I have been called an asshole. By one of the men who I used to chase. Yes, he was in the relationship and I was so keen on getting his approval. I guess in many ways he was also keen on getting my approval. However, lately I have started getting increasingly tired of chasing after men. In fact, I am getting angry at men who think that I should do my very best to make them want to be with me. Sadly, my boyfriend is also partially one of these men.
So now, apparently I am an asshole. What has always surprised me about unavailable men is how little they are actually ready to put in to the relationship once you stop chasing. In normal relationship you would assume that sometimes one is pushing the relationship and at times the other. Well, with both my recent boyfriends, I have yet to feel great deal of chasing from their side. However, I am getting tired of pushing the relationship as well.
The problem with unavailable men is that if you assume that the relationship will improve by you stopping the chase, then actually it goes worse. The unavailable guy suddenly sees, that the earlier benefits are not coming anymore and you are starting to make demands on him. His first strategy is to withdraw and if the situation is going even worse, he might threaten to leave if things continue the way they do. The best strategy with an unavailable man is patience, lots of patience. However, I am reaching the point where I see no reason to be so patient.
This touches upon another point of the relationships where one side is unavailable. They have the upper hand, always. They are dictating the terms of the relationship and the speed of the relationship. When you try to redefine something, they will pull the- “I am leaving” or “If you cannot accept me the way I am maybe we should not be together” card.
So going back to the asshole comment, my dear acquaintance who is used to flirting with me cannot accept the situation where I am not any more readily available nor chasing him. Moreover, I even try to challenge the power balance between us by refusing to laugh over his borderline rude comments. I simply do not give him any attention anymore and fail to submit. Interesting that this is all that it takes to be an asshole in someone’s eyes. The funniest part was, that actually I took the asshole comment as a compliment.
BTW, also my boyfriend is complaining over my lack of submitting lately as well as the fact that I am not accepting him the way he is (indecisive and not willing to make a firm commitment).