I have lately worked quite a bit about my feelings of being unloved. This has been one of the biggest challenges that my childhood has left me to deal with. I can honestly say that I did not feel loved during my childhood. I felt unwanted. I felt wrong.
My whole existence I have felt that I was wrong. Years of hard criticism, rejection, punishment, negligence and indifference do this with you. I have not wanted to admit to myself and others how unloved and unwanted I feel. After all, that is not how we are taught to be. We should have it together. We should be confident. We should not feel desperate.
Now I have the guts to admit that I have felt desperate quite a lot of times. I have had a desperate yearning for love. I wanted someone to prove to me that I am lovable. I wanted to heal. Somehow feel less different from others.
Most of my childhood was spent alone. I was the bullied kid. That often happens with a kid who is unloved. They become the victim. They are the easy target. So someone who already feels unloved will feel even worse about themselves. There has to be something wrong with them, right? Why else would they be singled out for bullying?
I have a deep yearning inside of me. I am hungry for love. I want my lovers to prove to me that I am lovable. I want them to chase me and prove their undying love. Anything so that this giant hole will get filled.
Being unloved is potentially the worst thing that can happen to you during your childhood. Being told how unworthy you are. How no one else will want you anyways. How your parents deserve much better than you. How you should have been unborn. And in the end you have to apologize before your parent because you made them say these words. Because you are afraid that if you do not apologize, then who else wants you? You probably deserved these harsh words.
As I am becoming aware of those feelings that I have wanted to kill inside of myself, it just makes me sad. I know there has to be a solution to not feeling so unloved anymore. I am sincerely hoping that my therapy will get me there.