Today I am going to talk about something that was very difficult for me to take- my breakup with my ex. With time, I have come to see this from a different angle than once we broke up. I can start by saying that my ex was someone I imagined my future husband to look like and I made many plans in my head. I have not established such a future with my current boyfriend for many reasons. Partially, because my breakup from my ex and my therapy pushed me to the state where I was hardly able to function on an everyday level, much less to think and plan the future. As I am coming out of this state, I have started to slowly assess my future again. This new state has made me rethink many things in relation to what I can say was the most serious relationship of my life.
My ex and me, we preformed our relationship. Our relationship was all about the future- discussing potential house where we would live and the children we could have. It was nice planning something so beautiful with someone. However, I often caught myself from the thought that something was wrong in this picture. Yes, we had common ideas about the world, fitting value systems, I was attracted to my ex, but something, nevertheless, was missing. I can now suggest, that what was missing, was intimacy. Our relationship was that of two highly preforming individuals joining together. We were not opened to the whole range of human experience, rather our relationship assumed that both of us would be such highly achieving individuals. There was little interdependency.
What do I mean by saying that we performed the relationship? I have a friend who despite having been together with her boyfriend for six years has yet to tell him that she loves him. They have a house together and they are building future together, but there is no verbal exchange of love. This relationship could no doubt suit to some people, but I might assume that where there is so little exchange of intimacy on a verbal level, there are also heavy defenses. You do not want to make yourself dependent nor vulnerable. You want to share your life with this other individual, but you want to do this from a safe position. You want to avoid emotional collapses and dramas.
I am not idealizing drama ridden relationships here. This is another extreme, which is definitely not better. I can only say from my experience with my ex, that running a relationship where both or at least one side has a high need to feel safe and in control, is challenging to say the least. It all depends on what one is ready to give and if giving away control seems to be like a more dangerous option, then obviously there is no question. Even though such a relationship might look like marvelous union on the surface (I think mine and my exes could have), they feel at least somewhat empty inside. It is an ideal case of having all elements at place, but not having this crucial clue that brings it all together- emotional closeness and intimacy.