If I was perfect daddy would have not left me and mommy would not be so annoyed with me all the time….

I am a self-development yunkie. Even my therapy started with me trying to shape myself in a way that everybody would like me. You know, get rid of the edges, so that I would finally be loved by everyone. It took me quite some years to understand that well, the actual problem was not that some people did not like me, the real problem was that I so desperately wanted them to like me.

I have gone through multiple products to make myself more beautiful. I have read more self-development books than one can imagine. I have gone through numerous guys. I have been a high achiever academically and also to a degree at my work. At the end of the day none of this matters.

Do not get me wrong, of course these things matter. I think I have a relatively OK career (though instable) which I have taken quite liking in. I am also more or less happy with my appearance etc etc. This is not the point though, the point is, if you are hoping that these things will make you feel loved, you will be in for disappointment.

Anyways, now, I understand clearer than ever before, that actually I was trying to make my parents happy. I was trying to convince my dad to officially admit that I was his daughter (he denied it publicly) and I was trying to make my mother less annoyed. Yes, my mother, who was constantly annoyed and critical. Nothing was ever good enough, nothing sufficed- she was just regularly angry. We had quite frequent fights and they always ended in a same way- me begging her to forgive me and promising to change.

Being perfect has been the central motive in my life for so long, that, well honestly I am pretty lost without it. I am slowly, but only slowly, coming out of this, but I have yet to replace it with something else. I am noticing that the greatest passion in my life so far has been to be better- to be more liked, to be admired.  I have done many things just to get admiration and validation. I have no idea what is there besides this passion. What else can I get passionate about?


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