Sometimes I feel pain….. Sometimes I let someone else decide on how I feel about myself. I get hooked on to unavailable people and try to win their sympathy. I chase unavailable guys in the hopes of getting redemption. Just another lipstick, different haircolor, surely then they will notice me.
When they give me attention, I am always yearning for more. It seems like a saving grace. A little bit of light in this dark world. When they decide that they do not want to play with me anymore, it is me who is hurting. I am there to be played with. I am there to take these little flirts more serious than the other side.
It all started off with my father. My absent father. My father who walked in and out of my life as he pleased. He would show up at our door unexpectedly, bearing gifts and then he would leave. I never knew when he was coming again. I tried to contact him with no success. He never responded to my birthday cards.
My father had a weird relationship with me too. He somehow wanted something from me. He wanted redemption. He wanted to feel loved. So whenever he showed up, feeling love deprived, he would get to be the star. He would feel good- after all there was this human being who seemed to always be happy to meet him. That meant something….or did it?
Later he wanted to make amends and announced that he wanted to meet with me more regularly. We were estranged, but my father had hoped that I was still this five year old girl who would give him love freely. No, now it was conditional. I did not have trust. My father was disappointed. That is not how he had imagined this. He did not want things to be heavy. He wanted things to be like they used to be. He would show up, receive his yearly dose of love and disappear.
Things were so heavy that he lost interest. Too much was needed from him. Too many meetings, too much effort in reestablishing trust. After all, he was never good with getting close to people. So he did what he had done plenty of times before when things got complicated- he disappeared.
Now he had a daughter that wanted something from him. That was not exactly how he had planned it to be. He wanted to have the relationship on his terms.
So the daughter kept wondering- why did daddy disappear again? Was there something I did wrong? It must have been. After all daddy cannot be unreliable or selfish. So the only reason for him to disappear is because I did not open up. I let him down. I let myself down and now I never get to have a relationship with daddy.
But I can have a relationship with other unavailable guys. I can imagine every single one to be my daddy. Once this one will love me, I will choose another one. My aim is to win over every single unavailable guy so that I would finally feel loved. I would feel close. This yearning in my heart will die and I will be normal again.