I am finally becoming the person I have always wanted to be. No, not that I literally dreamt of how exactly I should be, but I am finally starting to feel some self-respect. This visit to my home country has made me see how much I have changed during these four last years. I started off as a dedicated people pleaser, believing that being liked by others and submitting to them was my way to happiness. Now I can actually feel certain amount of personal power, feel like I am not living on the mercy of everybody else anymore. Like I have agency….
Yes, I still have very strong abandonment issues. My recent fight and fallout with my best friend has shown this very clearly. However, it has also showed to me that I am capable. That I can choose how I want to be treated and do not have to take bad treatment from other people. It is incredibly empowering.
As I have been so concerned most of my life about how others perceive me, I have never asked myself how I want to be treated. I have been just so happy if someone takes a liking to me, is able to tolerate me. Now I am noticing things about people, both positive and negative, which I never noticed before. I was just constantly so concerned about what they thought of me, that I never really saw them. This has made me not so good friend either- being rather concerned about them giving me feeling of validation, not actually caring who they are and what they need.
From the other side, I notice how dysfunctional treat and see the other people. These people become tools for their own needs. They do not perceive people the way they are, rather they perceive people in relation to what they give to them. I am so happy that I am slowly coming out of this dynamic and I am even happy over the fight with my best friend. I am happy about our fall-out. Yes, I also do feel fear (what if I never find a new best friend again, what if no one wants me), sadness (we shared so much), self-doubt (did I do right by confronting her), but over all I feel sense of empowerment.
I have a voice!
In the end I post a song that describes how I feel now