Falling-out with a friend

Faithallen in (faithallen.wordpress.com) is writing that together with therapy, some relationships might end or at least change its face. I have never experienced it to such a degree as currently with my best friend.

Our friendship has always functioned in a way that she was the one put-together, giving me advice on various matters and getting to have the upper hand in the relationship. I was the needy one, in need of advice and support. What is happening is, that together with not being so needy, I have started gaining my own voice. So couple of weeks ago I confronted her about her behavior where she was forcing on me her advice and opinion (on a regular basis) by saying that I would appreciate if she in the future would refrain from such a behavior. Naturally she did not take it well, moreover, she pulled the martyr card by saying how she is not allowed to tell me anything, because I am so sensitive, and how I am not taking her good advice.

So I concluded that our relationship has functioned in a manner where I always looked up to her- she was the one whose life was together. This form of relationship meant that I hardly ever criticized her or gave her advice, whereas she had always felt even invited by me, to give me advice and criticism. So I understood something I had missed throughout these years- she cannot accept criticism. She cannot accept someone saying that some of her comments or her behavior is not OK.

The whole drama escalated at some point when she started wondering why I have not contacted her. So I had to tell her, that I found her behavior problematic. This only started the long series of accusations towards me and ended with her declaration that I should have just told her if I do not want to be her friend.

This is something I find extremely difficult to take- people that cannot take any negative comments on their behavior. You drawing your borders and saying- I have heard you advice and criticism, but I choose not to take it, is not acceptable. This is due to the fact that this criticism is not given on your behalf. This advice is given to make them feel better about themselves, as if they would help the bystanders, then these bystanders would start loving them more. Somehow, they would earn the love of these people.

As I choose not to be the helpless victim anymore, the advisors in my life also need to take a new role. They need to face the fact that I am having my voice and also might confront them about their behavior. This might be extremely difficult to some, as I have witnessed with my best friend.


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