Lately I have gotten this weird feeling that I am transitioning to the new phase of my life. Afterall I am slowly finishing off with the more intensive period of therapy and making some choices about my future. My future, which I tried to ignore all these years I was in therapy, being afraid I might get overwhelmed. It just felt too scary at this point.
I have been revisiting old places at home and whereas I take a lot of enojoyment in this, it does not feel the same. Old hobbies, old people, old places- while familiar, seem to be somewhat misfitting these days. It is like trying on clothes that are slightly small, there is this sense of familiarity (you have been wearing them for years, so they still match your body, but they are just slightly small, itching and scratching…..). So yeah, whereas I feel this overwhelming sense of peace and belonging at home, it just does not feel the same anymore. At all…
I do not want to make it a story about, I went to foreign country and saw other kind of life, because it is not about this. It is not about me feeling much more evolved than my old friends. It is just this sense that I am transitioning and my old friends have taken slightly different routes. Perhaps they have always been different, but I never noticed, because I was obsessing all the time getting at least some people to like me.
All this time, I however have no idea where I am transitioning. Who am I becoming? All this is rather blurry to me. All these years in therapy have made me question most of my identity pillars. I guess it is common for patients to feel slightly disoriented- you know if you are getting a new leg, you need to relearn walking. I assume I need to relearn communicating, setting goals all this stuff. I am just not yet that far that I can fully pull this off. So hence inbetweenness…..