How do you recognize “the one”

I usually try to write post on topics which I feel I have something to say. Somewhere were I feel I have a bit of authority. This post will be different since I have to begin by saying, I have no idea. It is going to be more of a discussion and therefore contributions are welcome.

I am someone who struggles with all kind of decisions. I struggle deciding to get together with someone, I struggle breaking up. My relationship with my current boyfriend started before the last one had ended. This applies both to him and to me. We both were rather disturbed by such sequence of events. He was engaged at this point, I had moved to another country for my ex. It was not so nice start and still it is the only time that I have felt the wish to cheat on anybody. I could have dreamt about such things, but I had never even come anywhere near. We both tried to fight the feeling and attraction. It was half a year of difficult decision making, self-beating and disbelief that something like this can happen. We tried ignoring each-other, I tried addiction counceler (I assumed it had to be love addiction, because I had never felt so little control over myself). I felt completely helpless. The way this relationship started was also a motivator for me to begin therapy. I felt that if I am able to do something like this, fall in love with someone else while being in the relationship, there has to be something seriously wrong with me.

After having told you the story of our meeting, I have to say that I do not believe in life-long love. Neither do I believe in “the one”. I however believe in people coming to our life to teach us some lesson. My current boyfriend taught me how I am lovable. He has been the first person profess his love to me. He taught me that I can be loved for something else than my achievements, that I can be loved for who I am. I taught him that he can be more than he is. That he is not a looser and that he can achieve things, that people have expectations on him and he cannot let them down and play helpless. In some ways we were polar opposites, providing to the other what each had.

I think good relationships teach you something. Make you realize something that you did not know before. They help you evolve. Where I am now, I would have never gotten without my boyfriend who constantly supported me and professed his love to me. All the dark hours in therapy were I felt that no one wanted me, how I cried about my mother never appreciating me the way I was; he was there, all surprised, that I, out of all the people, would feel so bad about myself. In his opinion he had much more of reason to do this. I am probably going to make a separate post about how he has helped me evolve, so I will cut this short. However, I believe that the sign of love, for me, is that you support your partner in becoming a better person. Sometimes even when they do not want this or think that they cannot make it. You see the problems in their thinking, you see their wounds, you put ointment to their cuts. You teach them something they never learned.

My relationship with my current partner started and even existed against my own will. I never thought that he was what I wanted. He is not super attractive to me physically, nor did he have the traits that I thought I was seeking in my partner. I still do not know how I feel about it. But I nevertheless do think he was necessary for me. He has helped me the ways no one else could have.

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