The double bind of trust issues

My ex boyfriend had trust issues. He, himself, never quite expressed himself in this particular way, but rather said that it takes time for him to trust people. Now the problem in being a partner of such a person is that you can be very consistent for a while, but at some point, you also need reassurance. In the case of my ex, when we were taking about me moving to another country because of the relationship, he was honest with me and said that he cannot promise he will follow. He does not know the situation in the labor market, he does not know where our relationship will go etc etc. He might have been honest with me, but such a statement seriously challenged my trust in him. Should I just take a leap of faith in him and hope for the best? Moving to another country is a big decision. No matter how much I fought with him on this matter, he never changed his position. I ended up moving without any warrantee.

My trust in him was seriously challenged by this act. I got very hurt but I nevertheless continued with him. I did believe that he will do his best to move. However, unfortunately, subconsciously I started pushing my ex away. I would suggest that this in no way uncommon. You are together with someone who has trust issues and they do not commit fully and soon you notice that you start to distance yourself as well. After all there is nothing certain about your common future. So their trust issues backfire.

Fast forward one more year and our relationship was at this point in a serious crisis. He still did not trust me enough to even profess me his love nor make any kind of commitment. At this point I had very little trust in him as well. I felt rejected and unimportant. I had proven, in my opinion, often enough to him that he can trust me. Granted, the last half a year was actually already pretty bad because my passive-aggression was at this point already pretty visible. I was bitter and disappointed, but still in love.

I had to breakup the relationship, because it was ambivalent. I could not know anymore what he was feeling and he still had not managed to build enough trust in me. At some point the partner that needs to prove that they are reliable just looses their patience. Make no mistake, I still think that my ex was the love of my life, he was the most reliable person I know. I felt safe with him. I felt that when he promises something, he will do it. But I felt that I just cannot reach him. He is still on his defenses and there is just no way to crack him. So in this respect, I lost trust in him. I lost trust in the relationship.

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