I am currently visiting home and it has brought up some very strong memories. I remember how scared I was for so long. Note that I have been a victim of bullying for years. I remember how I changed my school (away from bullies) and after that avoided taking one road for years. I just never wanted to meet anyone from my old school. I was just so scared.
Now I am feeling all the old emotions, but in new context. I am still afraid that someone will point out what a failure I am, how I do not have a family yet etc etc. I am afraid that every random person will judge me and find fault in me and that no one wants to communicate with me. I have spent years trying to become more acceptable to people by making myself more beautiful, doing various self-help programs etc etc. It just never occurred to me how scared I was.
Naturally my fear of judgement and imagining the society as some evil and judgmental group of people has a lot to do with my family as well. The fact that neither my mother not her temporary boyfriend never gave me the feeling that I was acceptable. The fact that I felt that every small mistake of mine could get me kicked out of home (I was kicked out several times). I was an awkward and a shy kid who was easy to pick on. I liked walls. I liked hiding myself. I was scared that the minute I am noticed someone will laugh over me. I was just so scared.
Naturally this fear also translated to my relationships with males. When some male approached me, I usually scared them away with my defensive mechanisms. I either made some crude jokes or pretended to not see them. For year I was scared of talking to males. I think it was finally at the age of 25 I was not anymore scared of males. I was afraid that none of them would want me, after all no one did. When I did get together with someone, I instantly thought it was because there was something wrong with them, they could not get anyone better. I was just so so scared. Naturally it is easy to understand where my intimacy issues came and why I was just waiting for someone to breakup with me. I still remember my relationship with my ex, where whenever I was visiting him I was soo scared to mess something up. I finally did mess something up and I was so sure that he would instantly want to breakup with me.
The intensity that these feelings still haunt me is a surprise to me. I really hope that I can leave those feelings behind at some point and move on with my life. I hope that I can at some point feel accepted and also surround myself with people that accept me.