I have recently been assessing my relationship patterns and frankly, I think one of them is being in relationships that I knew led nowhere. I have difficulty letting go and I tend to stay in the relationships long after the basic trust has been eroded. See with my ex boyfriend this moment was when he started hesitating backing me up to move to another country for the sake of our relationship. In the end I organized everything myself and also got a red signal, that I cannot rely on him. Frankly, I think that should have been the moment to seriously question the relationship, but instead I held on, deeply hurt and bruised.
There are people that are not so sensitive to signs of abandonment and unreliability. I am. I have an experience with people in my life that disappear when you need them. It is like they enjoy being there when they need you or when you are at your best, but stay away when you are at your worst. My mother is one excellent example. I used to have a lot of stomach problems and had to stay awake many nights, sitting in the toilet. My mother did not bother to get up in almost any of these instances. Just for the reference- we are talking about when I was 5-6 to 20 years old. The events before 5 years of age I simply do not remember. Somewhere deep down I just knew I could not rely on her to be there for me when I experienced any inconveniences. Another example, when my neighbors were having a party and I could not sleep, never did my mother go and talk to them. She forced me to go, even though these people spoke another language (which my mother knows much better). I was really afraid and one can imagine that a ten year old child telling someone to turn down the volume is not particularly authoritative. What would have happened if I did not go? Well my mother’s bedroom was at the other end of the apartment, so there was little noise at her room, meaning she would just go to sleep. So yeah, I knew that when it came to my wellbeing, my mother was not there for me.
Who else could have been there for me? No one really. We had few, if any family friends and no close relatives. I pretty much learned to take care of myself. Because of my history, I have real trouble deciding in which cases in my relationships do I exaggerate. One of my exes kept away when my mother was ill and I had to take care for her. I was deeply insulted and threatened with a breakup. I never followed through, but my exe’s behavior did not really improve much. Eventually he ended things with me instead. The problem is, when you grow up with such a crappy behavior, you really have no sense of borders. You do not know what is an appropriate support in the relationship. Very likely you are not good at providing support yourself either. You are just confused about this whole depending on eachother thing, because, well you never could depend on anybody.