Trust or not to trust?- Cannot make up my mind

I am afraid of abandonment, which is weird, because I am also afraid of trusting someone, relying on them. Perhaps these are just two sides of the same coin- you are afraid of letting someone in, because you never know when you have to let go again. It is difficult to get out of my mind my mother’s regular rages and threats to kick me out. Every time this happens, you trust a little bit less and less. Until there is nothing really left. Narcissist always tries to creep in again, after they have disowned you. For a small child this can seem heavenly- suddenly you have a parent again, someone who will take care for you. Well at least as long as you obey and fulfill their needs.

In my past relationships that was exactly the strategy I used- tried to obey, tried to follow the rules and still I struggled to commit. The pain and the fear of abandonment were too real to let go and trust. I developed a funny combination with my boyfriends, something between dependency and keeping my distance. On one hand I was extremely dependent on them for providing me love and security, on the other hand, something in me kept screaming- “Do not let them too close”. Every small and not so small sign of rejection made me back off, eroded my trust just a little bit. Until there was nothing left. Again.

I did this for a while, never really understanding what was going on. Hell, I still do this, but now I am also actively fighting it. I am putting myself to situations where I have to be alone, just to test my ability to stand it. Well, it is still terrifying and I lose a lot in my functionality. Life seems hopeless. I am testing the waters of trusting, but I am still regularly disappointed and hurt. People seem distant, they never seem to have time for you. Lets not forget, that my needs are not these of a normal adult, but those of a small child. I want to finally find this one person that can protect me and will never let me go.

Where are you? Have I missed you in my search, have I pushed you away? Have I scared you with my neediness? Surely, I am at fault, who else. Because the alternative would be to believe that you have no control over what is happening. If I were to think that my caretaker really was unreliable and instable, I would be pushed to absolute powerlessness. Instead, I kept looking for fault in myself, at least I felt a little bit of hope and power that way.

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