Dependency and living in fear

I have been fearful my whole life. When I was a child I often tried to fight this fear by being a daredevil. It gave me some sort of power to pretend that I was not fearful at all. Well, as my therapy has progressed I have had to become more and more aware of my fear.

One of my great fears has been being left completely alone in this cruel world. Coming from a narcissistic parental background, this fear is however quite complicated. See the message that I got in my childhood was that I was not protected at home- my mother had serious rages and was throwing me out on a rather regular basis. However, narcissists also in a way separate you from the outside world, by holding an image of a perfect family. Noone outside must know what they really are. So eventually you have no one to turn to. You have your home which is abusive and frightening and you have other people that are also perceived as frightening, not the least because they buy into the myth of nice family. Besides, since your experience with your primary caretakers is so negative, you learn to mistrust people- you never know when someone really is abusive or not. You are completely isolated in your fear.

Back to the present. I am afraid and I cannot trust. How could I? I am used to people threatening to abandon me and taking advantage of my dependency. I project my past to my present relationships. I do not dare to relax in the relationships, because I never know when my partner will turn into a monster. Truth be told, we naturally also get together with partners that have some tendencies from our parents. Several of my partners have been extremely sensitive to criticism and reverted to extreme anger. Like my mother. I was kept on my toes.

On the other hand, you also do not want to leave them. After all you are still this frightened child who is so used to fact that she will never manage alone. Nothing good will wait for you in the outside world either, so you better hold on to what you have. Everybody is dangerous, are they not?

So am I prone to dependency- yes. Am I afraid of being alone- again yes. Am I not able to trust my partners- again yes.

This has been the most difficult part of my therapy and is probably still going to take some time.

 

 

 

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