I found this article https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201311/the-narcissistic-mother and I almost jumped. Seriously, I have yet to find an article that would summarize my mother’s behavior in a better way.
What I have found throughout my life confusing about my mother is that I cannot wholeheartedly claim that she does not care. In fact there was a lot of “caring” in our house. She cared about how I looked, how I studied etc etc. However, for some reason you really do not feel like they care. Yes, they study together with you, yes they choose clothes with you, but you are still left with the feeling, that something is not “quite right”.
Well, the thing that is not quite right is that- actually they care about how they look to the world. All my elementary school teachers knew what my mother was doing for a living. She made sure that I would not embarrass her with my study results, even though I was not particularly bright. The fact that I might not be as smart as she was, was something my mother simply could not accept. She made me learn some things for hours, until I had mastered it perfectly. Every time I got a bad grade I was afraid to go home. It was not that she made a huge deal about my bad grades every time, just when “she felt like it”. But, well in reality, you just never know what to expect, so you start to over-perform in all areas, just to avoid your mother’s rages.
Yes, her rages. I really could not predict those. Sometimes she would come home being totally calm and sometimes she would start yelling at me at the instant she walked in. Sometimes we could actually sit at the kitchen table and talk and sometimes I would have to prepare myself for listening to hours and hours of accusations as to “what a horrible child and human being I am”. There was no way out of the fight with my mother, she was in it for the kill. Some of our fights escalated to the point where my mother kicked me out of our apartment, telling me to go and enjoy life on the streets. She has disowned me for more times I can remember. It took me years to finally go along with it and say- fine, you disown me, I will not bother you anymore.
My childhood was spent in constant fear and wish to keep mommy happy. Unfortunately she never quite was. Unsurprisingly she still is not. However, I am working hard for my own happiness now.