You have probably heard many people that have been abused talk about food addiction, alcohol addiction or shopping sprees. Well, I have my own addiction. Unfortunately I still struggle with it after all these years. I like to chase unavailable partners.
I do not have to be single at this time- I can fully well be in a relationship. It is just that so far in every relationship I have had, I have simultaneously chased someone else outside the relationship. And yes, these people were either committed or just plain not interested in me. It has been extremely difficult for me to just enjoy my relationships, since I always notice this other guy, that seems to be oh so much better.
In my mind I have created imaginary relationships with these guys and I have chased them. I have spent loads of hours trying to figure out what strategy to use to chase them. I have been struggling with every rejection and suffered a lot of heartbreak.
I am still struggling with my addiction and I am doing my best to get it under control. Steps in this road seem to be painfully slow. I am now very conscious of my longing and especially during last months have been able to tame this behavior a bit. All this time I have also kept wondering what is behind this pattern.
I cannot give an exact answer yet, I can only suggest that I have spent most of my life unwanted. I propose that chasing these unavailable guys allowed me to indulge in fantasy that once this guy gives me attention and wants to be with me, I will not feel so unwanted anymore. Suddenly this awful longing for love and nurturing in my heart will disappear. Well unfortunately the feeling is still there and it is coming to surface more than usually. I am sincerely hoping that this means, I am making progress in my therapy and can soon declare that I have healed from this longing.