Soon will be my fourth anniversary from starting therapy and hence I will publish some comments as to how I have developed. Today I will talk about something rather vain- my attitude to opposite sex and the attention of the opposite sex.
So on some level I have always gotten along better with guys- the only problem was that at some point I made my self-esteem so dependent on their attention that every meeting with a guy became a rehersal. I needed to give a dazzling performance because my self-worth was dependent on what this particular guy thought of me. Surely I was nervous and it probably showed. The first meeting was usually OK, because then we were complete strangers, but the second meeting totally freaked me out. I sensed that there were expectations, I had left a good impression and all I could think about was- do not screw this up! I was so sure of the coming rejection that I usually did screw this up with my obvious neediness.
A funny thing happened, a lot of guys wanted to me my friends, but few my partners. Yes, I did get along with them very well, but nothing really happened. Yes, I most of the time had partners, but it still frustrated me that most males did not see me as a woman (lets not forget that my self-esteem depended upon it).
Well, now I have the opposite problem. Lots of guys who I imagine being quite fun as friends seem to want something more with me. I am not complaining, actually, because it is a nice change. The funny thing however is, that right now I am mostly interested in finding new friends and not potential suitors. I guess there is something immensely attractive about the “I do not care, but I am still friendly enough” attitude.
I am however, not celebrating so much the presence of all these guys who are potentially interested, I am celebrating the shift in my own attitude. The changing reaction from guys is just an outside proof that my behavior has changed. Lets not forget that it is very difficult to see anything changing in others unless we change ourselves. Well, every meeting with a guy does not become a nerve wracking theater play anymore, rather it is an act of communication. I am happy that my self-esteem does not get so bummed when some random guy does not like me. It seems like I have taken my power back.