I grew up believing that I am unlovable. Long story short, my mother got me as a way to make my father, who was at this point married to someone else, commit to her. It never happened, and I was left with a father who refused to acknowledge me as his child and a mother who never wanted to become a single mum. Throughout my life I got a lot of shaming from my mother as she kept telling me how I had let her down, how she wishes I had never been born and how her life would have been so much better without me. In fact, she did not even have to tell me all this, I could sense her constant disappointment with me and her silent accusations. It is quite convenient to accuse other people when one is unhappy in her life- takes off the responsibility. In fact, I do not really remember my mother taking responsibility for any of our arguments nor ever admit that she had done something wrong.
If she was not wrong, that must have meant that I was. I clang onto the idea that once I am perfect, I will be finally loved. So I kept improving my appearance, kept striving for better results at school, kept reading a lot of self-development literature in the hopes that at some point I would finally feel that I am lovable. Unfortunately no amount of achievements helps against this inner feeling of unlovability and guilt. I am uncovering the layers that I have built to protect myself from this all-encompassing feeling and it hurts- a lot. It feels almost as if I am trapped in this feeling and will never feel better.
Me feeling unwanted has seriously affected my choice of partners as well. I have always longed for unavailable guys. This longing kept the hope inside of me alive, the hope that maybe once this one guy would come around, I would feel fine about myself. I would be finally happy. Some of these guys did commit, I got at least too unavailable guys to commit to me, but it never change my feelings about myself and the circle continued. There was always another unavailable guy to be chased.
I know now why I have behaved the way I have. For long time I was puzzled by my attraction towards unavailable guys, not anymore. However, it just seems a never ending process. Sometimes it just feels that as I peel off another layer of defense mechanisms, another layer of behaviors and thoughts I have adapted to protect myself against abuse, the pain just gets stronger and stronger. I get more and more messed up. There indeed are places in our psyche which we do not want to go to, which we have avoided all our life, for a reason. I know that once this process is over, I will feel much much better, but it the middle of it, it is just so hard to believe that in one fine day I will be OK.