I am breaking down. In the past weeks, I have been having flashbacks to my previous relationship which ended with me being devastated as I saw that he really could not give me the kind of closeness that I needed. I subconsciously chose a guy that was distant, because it was safe. I thought that being with him would allow me to feel strong and I would not have to be exposed to all the pain I experienced in my childhood. We had one very good year with this guy. However, we both were afraid of further commitment. So we dragged our relationship through next year, but it already started disintegrating. I felt enormous shame and sense of failure as it was happening. Here was somebody who I thought was the love of my life- was I not good enough for him, was I in general unlovable, what was I doing wrong?
It is not so much about my previous relationship as it is about me getting finally in touch with all the pain and hurt from childhood abandonment and betrayal. I have been on one hand blocking all these feelings away, engaging in imaginary relationships, dreaming of unavailable guys and on the other hand, constantly getting exposed to it in most mundane everyday situations. I used to hate when my friends brought their friends along- I felt that this was a sign that they did not really want to be with me. I hated when they found boyfriends, because as the contact suffered, I immediately concluded that they too could not be trusted. Naturally my behavior towards them changed, bringing even more of what I was afraid.
Abandonment- without meacknowledging it, has been a major issue in my life. One could even say, the main lens, which helped me to interpret all the situations. I was secretly always convinced that people did not want to be with me. That they pitied me, that they felt superior to me. At the same time I was in constant hunt for more people, driven by the idea that once I have enough people, I will never be alone. The last few years have been extremely though, as so many people have disappeared, so many people have gone through my life. It has been a period of flux. Now I am finally feeling that I am, thanks to therapy, getting into contact with my child like part again. I remember all the things that I have been trying to forget. All the things about my ex, about my life in my home country- everything I have been trying to leave behind. Life does not happen like this, sometimes you got to go back in order to go forward. Somehow I feel like a child again- vulnerable and found. Somehow, I feel I am not hidden anymore, I can finally let other people find me again, I am almost ready to face life outside home again.