I have to say that I am currently in a quite confusing place in my life. My friendships and my relationship are changing, but I have no idea as to how, yet. I have noticed that it has been a real struggle for me to form lasting friendships during last years. It is true that we all enter to relationships with certain expectations, we get something out of there. Well, the things I have noticed about my relationships- I have often functioned to my male friends as a replacement girlfriend, you know, at the phase when they do not have one. When they however find someone, they almost as quickly disappear. I will have to take a long and hard look in myself, because probably I was using these relationships also as a way to avoid intimacy and commitment in my relationships. I do understand that such relationships however, are not real friendships. In fact I struggle forming real friendships with males, even though I almost always get better along with them. There just seems to be so much of a stereotype and stigma around these relationships, not the least because opposite sex friendships seem to be much less common here than in my country of origin. So this is one of my patterns which has led me to quite a bit of suffering, since I maintained these friendships while I was in a relationships, fully fooling myself that these were the real deal.
The other thing is my relationships with my female friends. I am known to get more invested in relationships and also ultimately to be more needy. My boyfriend calls me an intense person. I am step by step trying to decrease my neediness, but nevertheless I have had to revise several of my relationships in the last half a year. My closest friend here now barely communicates with me, why, I am not so sure, I assume that it has something to do with her finding a potential love interested and me being kicked out of our common friends network (jelaous girlfriend). Interestingly, during my early twenties I struggled to get men to see me as something more than just a friend and their girlfriends never seemed to be endangered by me, so with therapy and with experience something has changed, which obviously makes several women feel that it is unsafe to leave me around their boyfriends. My boyfriend is of opinion that I am not flirting with any of these guys, but I am just open and smiling a lot, something which can seem to be a serious danger for some girls. I am equally smiley with my female friends, but no one has as of this point suspected that I am flirting with them.
So surprisingly, in my early twenties I never struggled with finding friends, especially female friends. Granted some of my friends ended up not contributing too much, but I always held the thing going. It was my fear of loneliness, which was especially powerful motor. Now it seems, that I only have one female friend left. I cannot explain why this keeps happening, is it that people get older and have more responsibilities, is it that therapy has hindered my chances of making contact with other people, is it that I am in a foreign country or is it that my old relationships are not functioning anymore, but I am not quite ready for new ones? Anyhow, it just seems as a very painful process to go through and I am now refusing to be the one who invests more to my relationships. I have made it a point of not being the only one seeking contact and not being the one who is constantly available. Strangely I think doing those things really makes other people value you less. It is tough to change the patterns that one has had whole life, but through pain I am succeeding. I just wish that I could find another good friend locally.