I have felt stuck and in the midst of some crisis for some time now. It is fair to say that it probably started a while ago, but now it has reached its peak. I do not have any answers yet, but I somehow, maybe, have a gradual awakening. It hurts.
I have held other people accountable for my feelings for quite some time. As long as I have been waiting for things to happen to me. This does not mean that I have been passive in my life, quite contrary actually. I have been a high achiever throughout my college years. What it means, rather, is that I have envied other people’s lives and felt helpless about it. I somehow imagined that these other people had something magical, that I did not. This magical ingredient made them happier, more fulfilled and more loved. I have felt guilty about my failures, I have blamed myself and others.
Once you start from such a helpless place, it does not occur to you how you are actually still a child. You are expecting other people to solve things for you. Most often it happens to be a dream partner that is supposed to create such changes in your life. You get a partner, and you end up being disappointed, because the changes you wished for never occurred. You get a new house and you still feel empty, or a boob job or whatever bloats your boat. The emptiness still does not go away. Finally, you are so desperate that you are ready to face the emptiness and pain inside you. You have chased after too many dreams to learn your lesson.
This is it, I am finally ready for some responsibility, instead of blame and guilt. We will see how this goes.