I have always looked at other couples and been jealous at what they had. I just do not exactly know how to put it, but I never felt settled in my relationships. I always anticipated the end, I always somehow knew that they are not going to last. For the first five years or so I was able to convince myself that the difference was that others somehow met “the right people”. I just had not found the perfect match yet and no doubt when I would find this perfect match, I would also instantly feel settled and happy. After a while this apology gets old. You watch other people buying houses, getting kids, while you are still trying to make it for another year with your partner.
Now I know that I have trust issues. Well, actually describing those as trust issues would probably be a rough understatement. This somehow is something that is so overconsuming in the way I have lived my life, the way I still create my life and so on. I do not dare to make plans and I constantly play with the idea of breaking up. I do not relax into relationship but neither do I break up. This is this inbetween state and frankly I have yet to find a way how to leave it behind. Susan Anderson has written about abandonment holics. She says that abandoholism sets in when you’ve been hurt so many times that you’ve come to equate insecurity with love. Unless you’re pursuing someone you’re insecure about, you don’t feel in love.
When I was reading this, I could instantly relate. Everything she was writing rang a bell for me. Man have I chased my share of unavailable men. My current boyfriend and I performed a push and pull pattern which is never only one sided. I am still very insecure about him and he is quite unreliable at times. Things have gotten better, but I still cannot find myself in the situation where I would be courageous enough to plan a family with him. I just feel ambivalent. I long for having a family and I long for having trustworthy people in my life, but it somehow is just so extremely difficult to achieve for me. Somehow I keep inviting abandonment to my life. Several of my male friends for instance have stopped communicating with me the moment they got serious in their relationships. Granted there have been some jealousy issues from their girlfriends. Maybe I am sending out a wibe, but to me this reflects back to the way partners are communicating with eachother. If one cannot trust the other to have a friend of opposite sex, then in my mind the relationship is not safe. I am also living in a region where it is extremely difficult to find friends. When I went back to my home country for Christmas, I swear, I communicated with more people in two weeks then I have here for a whole year. Suddenly I felt that I belong somewhere. But even with my friends from home, I am not 100% sure that they will be there. I obviously have issues. I am now actively dealing my abandonment issues and will return soon to give a history of my abandonment experience. The only thing I can say is that once you read about my family history, my intense fear of abandonment makes a lot of sense.