I had a highly touching therapy session today where I understood how afraid of loneliness and abandonment I have been all these years. I have been wondering for quite some time if my growing up environment was really that bad and now I can say that it probably was. I never realized exactly how lonely it might have felt for me without any significant family friends or any other adults that would be interested, being only together with my mother who never showed any interest. It was always about her needs. Do not get me wrong, my mother is not a monster and for someone who does not have to live together with her, she comes across as a bit socially challenged, but not as something to write home about. The problem is when you live together with her, it is all about her needs. Let me give you one small example- TV, almost in 90% of times we were watching what she wanted. This is a ridiculous example, but I think such things start with small stuff. My whole childhood I was there to fulfill her needs. The only reason she ever called me was to have me do something for her. I have mentioned that she was at work most of the time and frequently went to work trips. Well not once did she call me to inspect how I was.
My first year I spent almost half as much time at my grandparents as with her-so that she could focus on her work. Later when grandparents were dead, I spent significant time at my friend’s place, since she was often away. But even if she had been there, she would have come home, inspecting if I had done everything she imagined I should and then probably still find a reason to yell at me. She was very rarely grateful for anything that I did, because in her mind, I owed her to do all this. She has even the present day told me, that I owe her, because she raised me.
I remember that when I was small I would frequently when I was crying ask my mother why she had me if she had so negative picture of me. My mother herself has made jokes about how when I was small I was frequently telling her that she does not care about me. Indeed, she finds it funny if a two year old child has an impression that her mother does not care about her. Sadly, all it communicates to me is that I had felt like an accessory for a long long time.
Now I am in a morning phase. For all the things that should have been there but never were. For all the times my mother threaten to throw me out. One example from the recent past on what kind of situations could cause my mother to break out. We were shopping a coat for her. She wanted me to take the coat back and I told her that since it was her coat, maybe she could do this herself. She walked away not even saying a word. Welcome to my life, that is how it looked the whole childhood. When I refused to do something she wanted she either yelled at me as long as I finally gave up or she threw me out of the apartment telling me to never come back. Those episodes were quite frequent. So all I can say is that my mother is selfish and self-centered.