As someone who got to hear a lot, when she was a child, that she is not enough, I have walked through my life feeling that I am somehow defective. I have looked at other people, their smiley families, their happiness and felt worse than everybody else. I used to watch people’s pictures in facebook and was sure that I was uglier than everybody else. In addition I rarely dared to sit next to a man in the bus because I anticipated that they would either start laughing or shiver in disgust. So my feelings of self-loathing have been pretty big.
I was bullied both at home and at school. At school at some point everybody was avoiding me. When I entered to some group everybody moved away. This lasted for two years. Needless to say that these were the worst years of my life. In addition I was always laughed at because of my appearance. Some teenagers would stop at the street and stare at me, some kids at school would draw ugly pictures of me etc. What happened at home was constant humiliations. I never did anything right. It happened rarely that my mum had anything positive to say about me. The few hours that we could see each other were often spent in her yelling at me all kinds of insults. The worst I have heard is “everybody is so lucky with their children and I had you. I wish I X would be my child instead.” And yes, these kind insults were regular. Apparently my mother spent my childhood wishing that she had another child and considering me an absolute looser. I was trying hard though, because I hoped that if I excel in things, I would finally get some positive feedback. I had good grades, was good in sports, participated in extracurricular activities, but none of it made any difference neither to my self-esteem nor my mother’s way of treating me.
So I have struggled with feelings of insufficiency and shame throughout my life. I am at the point in my therapy were all these feelings that I used to try to hide through shopping, achievements and flirting are coming up. There is first this hopelessness that things will never get better and then there is this self-defeating feeling that I am so bad and I will never achieve anything worthwhile. I realize that this perhaps might be the most difficult feeling to face with, apart from my feelings of loneliness. I am really struggling with it and I hope this story has a nice ending. Perhaps the good development is that the defenses are away- I am not being super-sarcastic anymore and I dare to speak to people more than once. I have also come to understand how all these feelings of self-loathing have made my relationships very difficult. To begin with, I have made the other side often enough responsible for my feelings. In addition I have pushed them away because I was afraid that once they will truly get to know me, they could never love me. The shame of being who I was, was just too big. I sincerely hope that one day I can look back at this, smile and say, this is now the past.