I have to admit that I have a history of broken relationships. I never really understood why, but I think at this point I can answer this question honestly. The truth is that I feel extremely easily rejected. Furthermore, I anticipate rejection and therefore never really entered to my two first relationships. For many people connection means bliss and happiness, but for me it means the danger of getting hurt. I am scared of people being nice to me, because sooner or later they will turn against me, in my mind of course.
My ex told me numerous hurtful things. Granted he was not the most sensitive individual in this world. However, I had a big role in interpreting these things in a certain way. In the worst way possible. To be honest, I was scared of him. I was always scared of being a disappointment, scared of being abandoned, once he figures out just what kind of a looser I am. At the sign of first big betrayal I started pushing him away, setting up roadblocks. Needless to say, that my tactic was pretty effective. The problem was, I actually did not want to break up with him. I was in a limbo- afraid to let him come closer, but also too afraid to let go.
I am working on this pattern. Like many other very unhealthy patterns, I can trace this back to my childhood. Living together with my mother has always been more about her needs, than about my needs. It is difficult to grow up having your needs constantly ignored. You on one hand long for connection and love, on the other hand you never believe it is possible. You start looking for the bad in people, suspecting that they are just using you, that they are not in the game for real, that they want to control you. Yes, control, my big Achilles heel. I am afraid of being dependent on other people, because I suspect that they will take advantage of me like my mother did. Namely, my mother’s great strategy was to threaten to abandon me as I showed my own will. She very effectively suffocated any attempts for independence.
I am still hurting, I am still on a regular basis feeling that people do not care about me. This is perhaps my deepest and most basic fear and pain. During the coming months this is what I will focus on in my therapy. It is not easy, to try to get over of all these feelings. To deal with all this while interacting with my partner who has his own very strong issues.