Sometimes I really envy people who can talk about their exes as assholes. I have a hate-love relationship with those people. Some part of me wishes I could do the same- that I could look back at my exes and think- they really did not deserve me. Instead, I however, mostly end up thinking I did not deserve them and that it was mostly my fault that these relationships fell apart. Reading self-help literature has made me realize about all the mistakes I made.
I have always been a family scapegoat, well the family being me and my mother. The truth was, most of our problems were put on me, no matter how old I was. I am still extremely susceptible to blame. I wonder if that is part of feeling helpless throughout my childhood and wanting to believe that I had at least some kind of control. The wishful thinking that if you only had been a better child, your father would have not abandoned you and your mother would have shown more love towards you. Anyhow, blaming myself still comes relatively easy to me. I am doing my best to control it and things have actually advanced to the point where I can stay strong while confronting my boyfriend who likes to, surprise, surprise, hold me accountable for our relationship issues. This has not come easy, in fact, it has taken three years of therapy to even get to that level. However, I am now able to draw some borders and say no and hold my ground in the middle of arguments without being afraid that I will risk abandonment.
Nevertheless, realizing how big role abandonment issues played in my relationships, where I never entered fully, since I did not believe they would last, makes me feel sorry for all the missed chances. It makes me want to apologize for my exes and say that I screwed up. I cannot take back what I did, but I wish I could start over, be twenty again and avoid all the heartbreak on my way.
I spent countless years criticizing other people’s relationships. It was a great hideaway strategy from my own issues. By criticizing others, I could make myself believe that I did not have problems with commitment, it was other people who settled. It has taken me surprisingly long to own up my feelings and understand how criticizing other people has been caused by my abandonment fear. How can they make their relationships work, but I cannot? There must be something wrong with their relationships- a good strategy to avoid dealing with my own shame and desperation.
I hope that one day I can have the same kind of not-ideal but committed relationship that other people, I have been criticizing so far, have.