For the seven first years of my dating life I aspired to date or was dating guys who rejected me. You maybe have heard about people, who are regarded unlucky in love because they never experienced reciprocal love. Well, I think more often than not, these people are like me- they are unable to accept that someone could love them. I frankly do not believe that there is a person out there, who has never gotten lucky enough to experience a chance for love. Maybe I am blind sighted.
Anyhow, these seven years of life were spent in desperation and pain. I could never understand why I was so unhappy in love. I kept thinking about strategies that could convince my love interests that I was worthy enough. Man, I invested a lot into becoming exactly the way “guys would want me to be”. Well, in the end I was also relatively successful in attracting attention. The resulting issue, however, was, that after such a remake, I did not feel these guys loved me, but a persona I had created. If I had only known back then that the real issue was convincing myself, that I was worthy of love.
How does one start believing that she is unworthy of love? Well let me tell you, by being abandoned and shamed over again in their childhood. Long story short, my mother was an extremely critical woman who never left me any doubt that I was a failure and disappointment. Naturally she also had problems expressing any real love. My father on the other hand, never really bothered to show any real interest towards me. My birthday cards to him got unanswered and finally I even did not care for him too much. At least, that’s what I thought. Subconsciously of course I kept looking for men who would do the same that my parents had done- reject me and make me feel unworthy.
For me, finally getting together with someone who was interested in me and showed me some real love was a real real struggle. Needless to say, we developed the kind of push and pull model, where I was chasing him, whenever he was distancing himself and I was running away, when he tried to come closer. It has been a real struggle to let someone close to me. I am not sure, if I have managed to do this fully.
In everyday literature this is called commitment phobia. It is almost unbelievable that there is so little good literature out there which would talk about the real psychological issues behind it. So far, the best I have found is “Yes, No, Maybe: How to recognize and overcome fear of commitment. Help for those affected and their partners“ by Stefanie Stahl. Sadly, it very accurately describes my symptoms. For anybody else out there who feels that they are just unlucky in love and that they have never experienced reciprocal affection, try reading the book- who knows, maybe you are also struggling with commitment phobia. Alternatively, the more scientific approach is called attachment theory. There are plenty of useful websites on attachment theory, I personally like http://jebkinnison.com. Attachment theory is perhaps a little bit more sensitive to differences between various factors which can cause commitment problems. A little bit scary is that about 50% of the population struggles with some kind of commitment issues.